The high number of steps are becoming normal, the amount of miles are becoming normal, and they are really becoming a habit. I am happier, I am healthier, and I am losing weight. I also am feeling significantly better in regards to a very important impending doctors appointment. I think that changing how I'm eating, drinking, quitting smoking, as well as working out is improving my brain function and maybe the issues with memory and everything else was because I was simply abusing my body. I am also realizing, however, that I need to make sure I continue to protect my heart and my mind when it comes to the emotional side of things in my life.
I have been on the dating game for awhile. There have been several gentleman where I have seen them for a month or two months or more and then they suddenly disappear. I don't know if it's that work is important, other things are more important, or if it really is that they are only interested in something short term and unimportant. I do realize that other than myself being a common denominator in all of these situations it's also that I make myself very available in all of these scenarios. Who knows, but I really need to make sure that I am keeping myself aware of these things and making sure that I don't let immediate feelings cloud my judgement. Also putting importance on realizing that there are a number of others out there who would jump at the chance to date me and that there is always the ability to say "next" as opposed to settling for someone what isn't giving me the things that I want.
As of late, I have been seeing T. He has been pretty fantastic in certain regards and in other ways not the best match. I'm not trying to put too much into anything anytime soon because it is new. He is a goof, and he makes me laugh and has an love of a rather extensive collection of music and in many ways is very similar to myself. I have several friends who have met him, most notably S who has made it a point to mention how much we are alike and how much he (S) thought to himself that we would be a great match (he wasn't sure when he met T if we were in fact seeing each other, just friends, or what). Downsides are that T, very much like myself, is incredibly distracted and tied to his job. As a result, there have been a number of times where he is simply MIA or just not available or is starting to make himself available for much later in the evenings. I don't know if this is because there is a mindset that this is just a blip on his radar or what and maybe that's what it is and I don't want to admit it. However, there is a tenderness and a sexiness and a goofiness to this guy that I quite like.
The good news, though, is that the workouts, and the other things in my life make it so that I'm not too focused on it. There are others in my world who are vying for my attention right now and that feels great as well. So, currently, I'm keeping my options open. I quite like T and my primary focus is on T, however, if he doesn't realize what is in front of him then it is too easy to find someone who will. I'm also changing how available I make myself. There is not a guarantee that I am going to be available at someone else's whim or beck and call. This will still be a learning process for myself but it's worth it and it will only help me long term.
Currently, I am focused on the idea of actually having to buy new clothing. Many of my clothes, such as my much nicer dresses, etc, I will probably get tailored down at first to fit, but I'm really looking forward to a point where my work clothes, etc, I need to actually get new pieces because the sizes are getting smaller. I am currently aiming for about a size 8 ish but we'll see. I may end up at a 6 I may end up at a 10 but overall I'm currently a 14/16 depending on the maker and I"m looking forward to getting out of that size.
On a slightly more vain side, I am somewhat terrified of getting loose skin everywhere. I need to make sure that I lose the weight slowly and steadily because I really have no desire to have super droopy everywhere, especially in my breasts. I love my breasts. that may be one of the few things that I am really not looking forward to getting smaller (granted, if they stayed the size they are now as I lost weight I would look like I would topple over) but I also really don't want to lose some of the fullness etc. It is a completely vain thought but it genuinely worries me. I don't want to go through all of this work, etc, to feel less comfortable in my own body than I do now.... But, that's very far down along the line and I'll tackle that potential issue if/when it comes up.
K
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
The weight has been lifted
Yesterday's very extensive mental purge actually worked. I was able to get so much out through free writing that I may not have been able to actually vocalize before. I feel so significantly better and I really do feel stronger and healthier even through just following this plan for the last couple of weeks. I feel much healthier since cutting out much of the alcohol. In fact, probably most crazy, I'm not looking for it anymore. I'm not thinking I want another beer. I will have one maybe two beers and then I am happily done with them. I don't need them or really even want them as much for social lubricant. Maybe it's because I'm also changing how and what I'm eating. I also have less than zero desire for a cigarette. I'm finding a happy place to be within myself and I'm feeling so much better knowing that I'm doing something for me.
Monday, July 14, 2014
mental purge continued part 4....
I have always admired B and her relatively laisez faire attitude about dating, kind of. It's probably just a very healthy view of dating. She has a very high opinion of herself and should. She also was my inspiration in regards to changing how I felt about myself. In 2010 she tells me that she is in desperate need of a vacation and that we should go to the caymans. I am mortified at the idea, quite frankly, at first. I am terrified about the idea of buying or wearing a bathing suit, it had literally been years. I was ashamed of how I looked, but, like the good little starfish, I complied. I start by trying to find a cute one piece, even though we were going to be there for multiple days, I thought that if I could even just find one bathing suit I would be happy. She brought up the idea of wearing a bikini and I thought she was officially certifiable. Then she said something to me that still resonates to this day. "You don't know these people from a can of paint, why they hell do you care about what they think about you wearing a bikini? You're there to have fun, these people don't matter and their opinion of you in whatever you're wearing really really shouldn't matter. You're never going to see these people again in your life!" In a weird way, it really was an epiphany. I was so worried about what others would think that I was literally preventing myself from doing things that sounded awesome and that I wanted to do. There have been many moments in our friendship like this. Things said that just make so much sense that it's ridiculous but they are also some of the most empowering things I've heard (much more so than those mantra posters! lol). She has been there for me through interview outfits and vacation adventures, boy troubles and everything else in between. She has also been the cause of many a times laughing so hard that I think I'm going to die (thanks to some mango key lime cheesecake and eating far too much that we were going to have food baby twins) to calling me out on some of my more flagrant bullshit.
More recently I have really taken to heart her views on dating. That is, it is a privilege to date me. It is a privilege that I am making time in my life for you, so use it wisely. Just as I should view others in the same manner, but it really is a balance. No one is doing me a "favor" by dating me, I mean, hell I don't do that so I cant keep thinking that others are doing that with me. I had to stop thinking that others were doing me some huge favor by being seen with me. I also had to stop thinking that I wasn't worth it and that there was something inherently wrong with me.
For years, I have been trying to lose weight for vanity. If I'm thinner this person may like me better, if I'm thinner I will be more confident in dating, if I'm thinner I will be happier. Everything, everywhere, says that that isn't true. I wasn't going to be happy, and honestly, I probably wasn't going to lose any significant weight until the person that I was putting out to the world (the one with all the confidence) was actually backed up by real confidence and self love. That, within the last 4 months, has really been my epiphany. I'm not trying to lose weight anymore so that I an feel better about myself. As women we are often trained and taught to be demure and humble, and be quiet about our accomplishments or our loves for ourselves. If we love ourselves or make it known that we love ourselves then we are vain or cocky or not soft and feminine enough. I finally learned how to take a page out of B's book in regards to this. I am a pretty damn awesome person. I help those around me, I help take care of others, I do volunteer work, I am present, and I am beautiful. I'm a pretty awesome package. I do not have to subscribe to the belief that only those who fit a certain ideal deserve to love themselves and find themselves beautiful. This shift has resulted in some pretty interesting results. 1) I'm actually attracting the types of guys who I have always been attracted to, they are not seeking me out despite my weight they are seeking me out for me and 2) I no longer want to lose weight for vanity. Yes, there's some of that still in there, but I now want to change my life to give my body what it deserves, a healthy lifestyle. I'm not losing weight or stopping smoking or cutting back significantly on drinking because it's what I'm "supposed to do" to show that I'm doing everything to avoid being this obese blight but rather I'm doing it because I want to eventually have healthy children, I want to go on more outdoor adventures, I want to give my body it's best shot at enjoying everything I can squeeze out of life.
I do need to keep tracking my food and my workouts and my fitbit has been fantastic with this but this time I'm doing all of this, genuinely, for me and because I want to be healthy and I want to give my body what it deserves. The bonus in all of this is that when these changes happen I'm also going to be a much healthier person in all aspects, mentally, emotionally, and physically. The smaller dress size is really a bonus!
K
More recently I have really taken to heart her views on dating. That is, it is a privilege to date me. It is a privilege that I am making time in my life for you, so use it wisely. Just as I should view others in the same manner, but it really is a balance. No one is doing me a "favor" by dating me, I mean, hell I don't do that so I cant keep thinking that others are doing that with me. I had to stop thinking that others were doing me some huge favor by being seen with me. I also had to stop thinking that I wasn't worth it and that there was something inherently wrong with me.
For years, I have been trying to lose weight for vanity. If I'm thinner this person may like me better, if I'm thinner I will be more confident in dating, if I'm thinner I will be happier. Everything, everywhere, says that that isn't true. I wasn't going to be happy, and honestly, I probably wasn't going to lose any significant weight until the person that I was putting out to the world (the one with all the confidence) was actually backed up by real confidence and self love. That, within the last 4 months, has really been my epiphany. I'm not trying to lose weight anymore so that I an feel better about myself. As women we are often trained and taught to be demure and humble, and be quiet about our accomplishments or our loves for ourselves. If we love ourselves or make it known that we love ourselves then we are vain or cocky or not soft and feminine enough. I finally learned how to take a page out of B's book in regards to this. I am a pretty damn awesome person. I help those around me, I help take care of others, I do volunteer work, I am present, and I am beautiful. I'm a pretty awesome package. I do not have to subscribe to the belief that only those who fit a certain ideal deserve to love themselves and find themselves beautiful. This shift has resulted in some pretty interesting results. 1) I'm actually attracting the types of guys who I have always been attracted to, they are not seeking me out despite my weight they are seeking me out for me and 2) I no longer want to lose weight for vanity. Yes, there's some of that still in there, but I now want to change my life to give my body what it deserves, a healthy lifestyle. I'm not losing weight or stopping smoking or cutting back significantly on drinking because it's what I'm "supposed to do" to show that I'm doing everything to avoid being this obese blight but rather I'm doing it because I want to eventually have healthy children, I want to go on more outdoor adventures, I want to give my body it's best shot at enjoying everything I can squeeze out of life.
I do need to keep tracking my food and my workouts and my fitbit has been fantastic with this but this time I'm doing all of this, genuinely, for me and because I want to be healthy and I want to give my body what it deserves. The bonus in all of this is that when these changes happen I'm also going to be a much healthier person in all aspects, mentally, emotionally, and physically. The smaller dress size is really a bonus!
K
mental purge continued... part 3
X and I did not go through a healthy or clean breakup. It was messy, and painful, and bitter, and charged. I was angry, and I was on a path for maximum pain. However, it also helped hurt me in the process. I was obsessive and didn't believe that I could so easily be tossed aside. I was classic "crazy" but I was scared. I didn't know how to live as someone other than X's girlfriend. I didn't want to try to figure it out. I didn't find it fair to have this life stripped of me. The arguments were heated. We often yelled at each other. I destroyed a photo cube that we had taken together only months before and he was furious. He wanted to keep it saying that he did care about me, etc, and I said he was lying, how the hell could he tell me that when in his phone was messages from some other girl talking about how great they were together. I wanted him to admit to me that there were other girls. He refused, he said that he had never cheated. I knew that that wasn't true. I knew that he was lying and I told him that I deserved to know the truth. That it wasn't fair that I was made to be be other woman in my own relationship. I blocked his exit from the apartment because I wanted him to tell me the truth, for once. For once I didn't want to feel like I was crazy and be told that I was imagining things and that yes, I should have trusted my instincts and that yes, he had slept with multiple other women multiple times during our 3 years together. He refused, and then he took it one step further.
X was very very good at wrestling, state teams, etc, all throughout high school. He was stockily built and was still powerful even overweight.
The first and last time he ever got physical with me was during that fight. I was in front of the door, demanding that he tell me the truth, for once, begging and pleading to at least give me that so I stopped telling myself I was crazy, sobbing for this truth. He spun me around put his arms under my arms, and put both hands behind my neck in a full nelson and proceeded to push me out of the way and in the process pushed me into a desk causing me to fall. He grabbed his keys and stormed out of the apartment. I moved out that day.
At this point neither of my parents had known we had broken up and had not known about any of this, I did not want to be wrong, again. Specifically I did not want them to be right again. As a result I bottled up much of these issues and ate my feelings. I was still not over X and there was so much of me that still wanted to be with him. I wish I could say that he got physical and I learned the error of my ways but I didn't. I still thought that he could fix everything. It didn't happen that way. I was still wrapped up in the idea of theory of him and he had happily moved on to one or more others.
I didn't know how to find me again. I was still unhappy, I was still unhappy with me but now I had a scapegoat. I was unhappy and depressed because of X when in fact, the reason I probably ended up with X in the first place is because I had always been unhappy with myself. My weight fluctuated, I lost a fair amount of weight immediately after the breakup because I wasn't eating. However, that was akin to losing my shield so of course I put it right back on. I continued to surround myself with a very comfy layer of fat to keep others out, specifically to keep others out who could hurt me. Never realizing, the entire time, that I was the one hurting myself the most. It was easier to blame someone else than to realize you were hurting yourself.
Things ambled on for several more years. I started to date, kind of, tested the waters, developed very strong crushes that were almost never reciprocated, often on those who I shouldn't have been chasing in the first place, I mean, it's much easier to feel denied when you say to yourself that they wouldn't have been a good match anyways! It's amazing the tricks one will do to convince onesself that it's others that are the problem.
During this process, however, I regained people in my life like S & B who I had lost touch with while I was so wrapped up with X. I maintained friendships with others like C&A who had been there throughout the entire process and found new friends. I distanced myself from many in the group who had known about X's infidelity and we would often hang out and never told me. This definitely caused me to feel even more foolish and stupid and insignificant as I was coping.
I started to float through life, just going through the motions, etc. All the while bitching about how I wanted to lose weight, etc. Then, in 2008 I was diagnosed with a medical condition that was essentially my body attacking itself (irony anyone???) that required me to be on very very large doses of steroids for several months. This, of course, did nothing for me in regards to weight loss. I quickly went from about 190 lbs to about 235 and became even more depressed. I stopped taking care of myself almost completely. I had resigned myself to the idea that I was forever going to be this unhealthy overweight person. I have lived with that for more than 5 years.
It's no one else's fault but myself. It's no one else's fault that I have been slowly killing and destroying my body. It's also no one else's fault that I was a lifetime subscriber to the concept of self loathing. I was the one who filled my head with negative thoughts and feelings and pressure to be a certain person and if I couldn't be that person right now then it was a futile exercise. I have tried more diets and get think quick etc strategies than I ever care to recount. All the while, I was believing that I could only accept my body if I was 20, 30, 50, 100 pounds lighter. That I only deserved happiness if I was any of these things. That I only deserved to go to the beach or wear a bathing suit if these things happened.
After being taken off the steroids I stabilized at around 220 lbs. Almost a full 100 pounds more than about a decade earlier when I was in my "healthy weight range". I tried everything, for all of the wrong reasons. I would work out, killing myself, and then be upset when the scale didn't change as much as I wanted. I was unwilling to give up the things I needed to to get myself healthier, the eating out, the alcohol, etc. I would often just swap one unhealthy habit for another all the while operating under this ruse of "I really want to get healthy, it's just not working for me." I started to "resign" myself to forever be in the life of a fat person. That this was just who I was going to be. But it's important to realize I was using the word resign. I resigned myself to the idea that I could only be loved by someone who would be attracted to me despite my body. I would have to settle for someone who may not be my ideal because they were willing to "put up with my flaws." I didn't think I deserved to be so ridiculously in love with someone who was also ridiculously in love with me not "despite" anything but really in love with all of me......
X was very very good at wrestling, state teams, etc, all throughout high school. He was stockily built and was still powerful even overweight.
The first and last time he ever got physical with me was during that fight. I was in front of the door, demanding that he tell me the truth, for once, begging and pleading to at least give me that so I stopped telling myself I was crazy, sobbing for this truth. He spun me around put his arms under my arms, and put both hands behind my neck in a full nelson and proceeded to push me out of the way and in the process pushed me into a desk causing me to fall. He grabbed his keys and stormed out of the apartment. I moved out that day.
At this point neither of my parents had known we had broken up and had not known about any of this, I did not want to be wrong, again. Specifically I did not want them to be right again. As a result I bottled up much of these issues and ate my feelings. I was still not over X and there was so much of me that still wanted to be with him. I wish I could say that he got physical and I learned the error of my ways but I didn't. I still thought that he could fix everything. It didn't happen that way. I was still wrapped up in the idea of theory of him and he had happily moved on to one or more others.
I didn't know how to find me again. I was still unhappy, I was still unhappy with me but now I had a scapegoat. I was unhappy and depressed because of X when in fact, the reason I probably ended up with X in the first place is because I had always been unhappy with myself. My weight fluctuated, I lost a fair amount of weight immediately after the breakup because I wasn't eating. However, that was akin to losing my shield so of course I put it right back on. I continued to surround myself with a very comfy layer of fat to keep others out, specifically to keep others out who could hurt me. Never realizing, the entire time, that I was the one hurting myself the most. It was easier to blame someone else than to realize you were hurting yourself.
Things ambled on for several more years. I started to date, kind of, tested the waters, developed very strong crushes that were almost never reciprocated, often on those who I shouldn't have been chasing in the first place, I mean, it's much easier to feel denied when you say to yourself that they wouldn't have been a good match anyways! It's amazing the tricks one will do to convince onesself that it's others that are the problem.
During this process, however, I regained people in my life like S & B who I had lost touch with while I was so wrapped up with X. I maintained friendships with others like C&A who had been there throughout the entire process and found new friends. I distanced myself from many in the group who had known about X's infidelity and we would often hang out and never told me. This definitely caused me to feel even more foolish and stupid and insignificant as I was coping.
I started to float through life, just going through the motions, etc. All the while bitching about how I wanted to lose weight, etc. Then, in 2008 I was diagnosed with a medical condition that was essentially my body attacking itself (irony anyone???) that required me to be on very very large doses of steroids for several months. This, of course, did nothing for me in regards to weight loss. I quickly went from about 190 lbs to about 235 and became even more depressed. I stopped taking care of myself almost completely. I had resigned myself to the idea that I was forever going to be this unhealthy overweight person. I have lived with that for more than 5 years.
It's no one else's fault but myself. It's no one else's fault that I have been slowly killing and destroying my body. It's also no one else's fault that I was a lifetime subscriber to the concept of self loathing. I was the one who filled my head with negative thoughts and feelings and pressure to be a certain person and if I couldn't be that person right now then it was a futile exercise. I have tried more diets and get think quick etc strategies than I ever care to recount. All the while, I was believing that I could only accept my body if I was 20, 30, 50, 100 pounds lighter. That I only deserved happiness if I was any of these things. That I only deserved to go to the beach or wear a bathing suit if these things happened.
After being taken off the steroids I stabilized at around 220 lbs. Almost a full 100 pounds more than about a decade earlier when I was in my "healthy weight range". I tried everything, for all of the wrong reasons. I would work out, killing myself, and then be upset when the scale didn't change as much as I wanted. I was unwilling to give up the things I needed to to get myself healthier, the eating out, the alcohol, etc. I would often just swap one unhealthy habit for another all the while operating under this ruse of "I really want to get healthy, it's just not working for me." I started to "resign" myself to forever be in the life of a fat person. That this was just who I was going to be. But it's important to realize I was using the word resign. I resigned myself to the idea that I could only be loved by someone who would be attracted to me despite my body. I would have to settle for someone who may not be my ideal because they were willing to "put up with my flaws." I didn't think I deserved to be so ridiculously in love with someone who was also ridiculously in love with me not "despite" anything but really in love with all of me......
mental purge continued.... pt 2
Looking back, I realize I have always had addictive/obsessive tendencies especially starting in early teens. I went from obsessing over how little would go into my body to being addicted to working out and restricting calories to what happened in college. In college I shifted my addictions. I went from being an addict of working out and restricting calories to a heavy binge drinker and having a food addiction.
I went to a very small college and having come from a professional gym where there were umpteen machines and devices to work out on to a college where there gym was all but shut down for remodeling was a shock to my system. I was used to working out with guys and guys who lifted because they wanted to, not for a sport, etc, but rather because htey wanted that "swole" look. I went to a liberal arts college, there were very few of these types and I felt out of place. Additionally, I went to a college with not so many food choices around or on campus and much of the food was cooked with an oil etc which my body, having been denied it for years, simply could not process. This meant that many of my meals were grabbed at the little "corner store" and consisted of some of the worst possible foods imaginable health wise. As one can expect, I piled on the pounds. Forget the freshman 15, by the time the first semester was over I had packed on close to 25 lbs and by the end of the second semester, I had also packed on another 10. I left college close to about 165 lbs. Additionally, I was drinking, regularly, and heavily. I was getting blackout drunk several nights a week and my grades suffered, I lost my scholarship, I had picked up a regular cigarette smoking habit, and I had also picked up a boyfriend who would end up playing a much larger role in my life than he ever should have.
X didn't know me when I was at my "fittest" and I use that term loosely because i certainly wasn't healthy during those years, and I was depressed, and felt horrible about myself and I couldn't fit into any of my clothes anymore and I hated how I looked. X fed into some of these things and gave me the attention I was seeking at the time. X was 8 years older and was "cool" I was just turned 18 and thought that it was a big deal that this person wanted to spend time with me. He had his own apartment, a job, etc..... (hey all of this was cool at the time) so he fit the whole, you have to have a car, job, and personality. He was also charming, and almost insanely charismatic. I will never take that away from him, he could charm the pants off of almost anyone and often did, even while we were together. I would have done almost anything for him. My world was upside down, I didn't go back to college that second year, I started working full time elsewhere, and at the time, he was a constant. He was someone who was there, even though not always present, and I swore that he was the love of my life. I was sure that this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with and that we were hopelessly in love and no one could dissuade me of this notion. Even one of his closest friends, A, who is a very dear friend of mine now, warned me of his ways, and I thought to myself, but I'm different, how he has cheated before could never happen to me, we're in LOVE with a capital everything.
In many ways we were not a healthy couple. Emotionally, I always knew something else was going on, but I didn't want to prove my parents right so I ignored his blatant flirting, or the uncomfortable silence and stares when he would introduce me to some girls as his girlfriend, realizing later, that he had been sleeping with several of them the entire time. I ignored my gut feelings and kept telling myself that we are in love, this couldn't be happening to me. He wouldn't do that to me. blah de blah de blah. Additionally, physically we were not a healthy pair. Food wise, X and I would often order pizza or pasta or fast food or whatever was quick and easy. That, plus the lack of exercise lead to additional weight gain or "happy relationship weight" as some call it. Changes were going on in my life, I started to work for another company, and fell into what I do now. I fell into a profession I love and thought that this was going to be a change for us. Here we were, forging our lives together. Then time, after time, after time, X was fired, laid off, whatever. He decided to move more than 2 hours away from me (really should have been a clue) on a whim of being a bartender at some cool beach place that is really only cool a couple months out of the year. I, being the lap dog that I was acting like, was supportive and would frequently visit. However, I never got a visit from him. He would come and visit family, hell I'd even help him with the gas money, but even though he could be 30 min away from him, I never saw him unless I drove the multiple hours to go see him. What can I say, I was 19/20 and stupid. I was unhappy but I thought it was me, I thought if I just improved this, or that or the next thing, that all would be better. Again and again, X lost his jobs or quit or whatever happened and I thought that it would all work out. It never did. X moved back to the area, finally, and he started working at another place locally. Once again, he started up with another girl, another couple girls, actually. All the while I was ignoring my gut instincts and believing that he wouldn't have stayed with me for over 2 years at this point if he didn't want to be with me and that he loved me. Besides, we were talking, marriage, kids, etc. I became the nag, the mother in the relationship, I became the bitch, if you're to ask others who he talked to during this time. I was the impossible girlfriend he was "stuck" with for now.
A family crisis happened during this time, it was now 2006, and we had been together for just about two years. He was there, kind of, during that time. Then, in the beginning of 2007 pressure started mounting that we should move in together. I kept pushing back, I'm not ready, I don't know, I want to have more money saved up, etc etc etc. I was finally worn down, and I agreed. In march of 2007 we moved in together. Now, I thought, things would be different, we now got to see each other every day, and we were really forging our lives together and obviously the next stop was to get engaged, married, etc. I was 21 and thought I had the rest of my life figured out. Then, in June of 2007, about two weeks before our 3 year anniversary, I was told that X wanted to talk to me about something.... "I don't love you anymore" were the words that came out of his mouth. I was crushed, devastated, and in pieces. Throughout the last almost 3 years, I had given up everything for him, not because he asked, but because I was so desperate to cling to my idea of what this was between us that I continued to give up more and more pieces of myself and things that I loved and family and friends, that I was absolutely devastated. I will never forget that the first words out of my mouth were "What is her name."
Looking at the date, I am realizing the irony that today is the 10th anniversary of when we started "dating....." how's that for irony of ironies lol. Wow.... gotta think about that one for a minute. Guess it is a great time to do an extreme mental purge.
Unfortunately, shortly after this bombshell was dropped, the family crisis was still ensuing and the one person who I really wanted to talk to about this bombshell was dangerously close to no longer being in my life due to a major health issue so I was a wreck. I felt alone, and crushed and embarrassed. I didn't want to admit it was real, unfortunately, however, he had already found someone else, someone else had been there for multiple months at this point and she was unaware that not only had we been together for years ,but we were living together. I thought somehow I could fix it, that if only I was a bit better in certain ways, that it would be ok. I was wrong. I became more depressed than I had ever been. I felt as though everything around me had fallen away and that I was a broken and empty shell. I thought my life was over. I unfortunately had very morbid thoughts dealing with just that. Dealing with killing myself, violently, in our apartment. Making it so that my lifeless and bloody body would be what he walked into when he came into the apartment. Make myself a visual display of the pain and hurt he had caused me. I continued to be angry and I continued to be hurt and sad. I could not accept what had happened. I could not accept that the life I had created in my head was taken away. I no longer cared about myself at all. Although, it could be argued I hadn't cared about myself in a long time.......
I went to a very small college and having come from a professional gym where there were umpteen machines and devices to work out on to a college where there gym was all but shut down for remodeling was a shock to my system. I was used to working out with guys and guys who lifted because they wanted to, not for a sport, etc, but rather because htey wanted that "swole" look. I went to a liberal arts college, there were very few of these types and I felt out of place. Additionally, I went to a college with not so many food choices around or on campus and much of the food was cooked with an oil etc which my body, having been denied it for years, simply could not process. This meant that many of my meals were grabbed at the little "corner store" and consisted of some of the worst possible foods imaginable health wise. As one can expect, I piled on the pounds. Forget the freshman 15, by the time the first semester was over I had packed on close to 25 lbs and by the end of the second semester, I had also packed on another 10. I left college close to about 165 lbs. Additionally, I was drinking, regularly, and heavily. I was getting blackout drunk several nights a week and my grades suffered, I lost my scholarship, I had picked up a regular cigarette smoking habit, and I had also picked up a boyfriend who would end up playing a much larger role in my life than he ever should have.
X didn't know me when I was at my "fittest" and I use that term loosely because i certainly wasn't healthy during those years, and I was depressed, and felt horrible about myself and I couldn't fit into any of my clothes anymore and I hated how I looked. X fed into some of these things and gave me the attention I was seeking at the time. X was 8 years older and was "cool" I was just turned 18 and thought that it was a big deal that this person wanted to spend time with me. He had his own apartment, a job, etc..... (hey all of this was cool at the time) so he fit the whole, you have to have a car, job, and personality. He was also charming, and almost insanely charismatic. I will never take that away from him, he could charm the pants off of almost anyone and often did, even while we were together. I would have done almost anything for him. My world was upside down, I didn't go back to college that second year, I started working full time elsewhere, and at the time, he was a constant. He was someone who was there, even though not always present, and I swore that he was the love of my life. I was sure that this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with and that we were hopelessly in love and no one could dissuade me of this notion. Even one of his closest friends, A, who is a very dear friend of mine now, warned me of his ways, and I thought to myself, but I'm different, how he has cheated before could never happen to me, we're in LOVE with a capital everything.
In many ways we were not a healthy couple. Emotionally, I always knew something else was going on, but I didn't want to prove my parents right so I ignored his blatant flirting, or the uncomfortable silence and stares when he would introduce me to some girls as his girlfriend, realizing later, that he had been sleeping with several of them the entire time. I ignored my gut feelings and kept telling myself that we are in love, this couldn't be happening to me. He wouldn't do that to me. blah de blah de blah. Additionally, physically we were not a healthy pair. Food wise, X and I would often order pizza or pasta or fast food or whatever was quick and easy. That, plus the lack of exercise lead to additional weight gain or "happy relationship weight" as some call it. Changes were going on in my life, I started to work for another company, and fell into what I do now. I fell into a profession I love and thought that this was going to be a change for us. Here we were, forging our lives together. Then time, after time, after time, X was fired, laid off, whatever. He decided to move more than 2 hours away from me (really should have been a clue) on a whim of being a bartender at some cool beach place that is really only cool a couple months out of the year. I, being the lap dog that I was acting like, was supportive and would frequently visit. However, I never got a visit from him. He would come and visit family, hell I'd even help him with the gas money, but even though he could be 30 min away from him, I never saw him unless I drove the multiple hours to go see him. What can I say, I was 19/20 and stupid. I was unhappy but I thought it was me, I thought if I just improved this, or that or the next thing, that all would be better. Again and again, X lost his jobs or quit or whatever happened and I thought that it would all work out. It never did. X moved back to the area, finally, and he started working at another place locally. Once again, he started up with another girl, another couple girls, actually. All the while I was ignoring my gut instincts and believing that he wouldn't have stayed with me for over 2 years at this point if he didn't want to be with me and that he loved me. Besides, we were talking, marriage, kids, etc. I became the nag, the mother in the relationship, I became the bitch, if you're to ask others who he talked to during this time. I was the impossible girlfriend he was "stuck" with for now.
A family crisis happened during this time, it was now 2006, and we had been together for just about two years. He was there, kind of, during that time. Then, in the beginning of 2007 pressure started mounting that we should move in together. I kept pushing back, I'm not ready, I don't know, I want to have more money saved up, etc etc etc. I was finally worn down, and I agreed. In march of 2007 we moved in together. Now, I thought, things would be different, we now got to see each other every day, and we were really forging our lives together and obviously the next stop was to get engaged, married, etc. I was 21 and thought I had the rest of my life figured out. Then, in June of 2007, about two weeks before our 3 year anniversary, I was told that X wanted to talk to me about something.... "I don't love you anymore" were the words that came out of his mouth. I was crushed, devastated, and in pieces. Throughout the last almost 3 years, I had given up everything for him, not because he asked, but because I was so desperate to cling to my idea of what this was between us that I continued to give up more and more pieces of myself and things that I loved and family and friends, that I was absolutely devastated. I will never forget that the first words out of my mouth were "What is her name."
Looking at the date, I am realizing the irony that today is the 10th anniversary of when we started "dating....." how's that for irony of ironies lol. Wow.... gotta think about that one for a minute. Guess it is a great time to do an extreme mental purge.
Unfortunately, shortly after this bombshell was dropped, the family crisis was still ensuing and the one person who I really wanted to talk to about this bombshell was dangerously close to no longer being in my life due to a major health issue so I was a wreck. I felt alone, and crushed and embarrassed. I didn't want to admit it was real, unfortunately, however, he had already found someone else, someone else had been there for multiple months at this point and she was unaware that not only had we been together for years ,but we were living together. I thought somehow I could fix it, that if only I was a bit better in certain ways, that it would be ok. I was wrong. I became more depressed than I had ever been. I felt as though everything around me had fallen away and that I was a broken and empty shell. I thought my life was over. I unfortunately had very morbid thoughts dealing with just that. Dealing with killing myself, violently, in our apartment. Making it so that my lifeless and bloody body would be what he walked into when he came into the apartment. Make myself a visual display of the pain and hurt he had caused me. I continued to be angry and I continued to be hurt and sad. I could not accept what had happened. I could not accept that the life I had created in my head was taken away. I no longer cared about myself at all. Although, it could be argued I hadn't cared about myself in a long time.......
Mental Purge Part 1
Wow, it's kind of amazing that I have had this blog for almost 5 years, and throughout all of those 5 years I have talked about how this time it's different and this time there is a change, and this time I'm going to get to that ideal weight and all of my problems are going to be solved. I wasn't dating anyone because I was too fat, I wasn't dating anyone because I wasn't confident enough yet, I wasn't doing this I wasn't doing that and I was harping on how if I only looked like I did when I was 17/18/19 my life was going to be fixed again..... I was lying. TO EVERYONE... but mostly, to myself. It's painful and enlightening to finally admit this to myself. I journal because it puts me into a better place and I journal because it's a way for me to look back and see what the hell is going on. I used to hand write my journals and just go from there, but now I can type even faster than I hand write. Really I'm just in the process of scribing the things that I am finally thinking to myself. Finally pulling back the curtains blah de blah de blah. Some of this started thanks to B, best friend a girl can have, and her determination to call me out on my bullshit. Some of this has also been a result of another friend, R, who often has issues in her own confidence and she once told me "but everyone loves Kelly, because you just exude confidence, you're like the most confident person I know." Finally, a lot of this had to do with finally shifting my perceptions on myself.
B has never put up with my BS and that's one of the reasons I absolutely adore her. She has always been there, whether it was for telling me what I don't want to hear, don't want to do, don't want to admit, or just being there to let me cry on her shoulder. However, she also knows when to tell me to cut that shit out "If you ever cry in my car over that boy again, it's grounds for a divorce." LOL. You got it dude, I definitely can't go through a divorce of our friendship. She is on the ride with me this time with the working out and as I told her the other day, she is definitely the one person who could call me, and say, hey, I'm super far ahead of you on these steps, what's going on step it up! Realizing that I have that in my life has become more and more important to me as of late and even though it's dripping with the nougat she hates, lol, it's also made me realize how and with whom I surround myself. More about all of that later.
This, really, is my realization of everything coming together and finally "getting" it. I have touched on topics before, but I also am realizing that I need this sense of accountability, even if it is just for myself and no one ever reads this, this is my sense of accountability.
I hated myself. I hated what I had become, I hated what was happening around me, and I hated that I let myself get so hurt by someone else. I put on this air of happiness and self confidence, when in reality, I loathed myself. I successfully did everything I could to abuse my body. From smoking, to drinking far too heavily, to indiscriminate sex, to overeating and under exercising, all of it was literally abusing my own body. I became my own worst enemy. I also let no one in to this. B was maybe the only person who really realized what was going on and she would often broach certain subjects lightly but she never pushed on any of them. She would offer encouragement or occasional disapproving glances but I would brush them off or quickly change the subject or do everything I could to avoid the too difficult discussions. She would often call me out on this change of subject but would never push too hard. I am sure she has realized what was going on far far longer than I ever did, and maybe she did what was absolutely best for me, make it known that she was there, even when thousands of miles away, make it known that she saw what I was doing to myself, but also allow me the time to figure out what I needed to figure out, so it wasn't "forced" on me.All the while trying to help build me back up by example.
I kept myself fat on purpose. If I was obese, which I currently am, it would mean that no one would love me, and that if no one loved me I couldn't be hurt again. Of course, I this was all subconsciously and I could then also tell myself that these guys I was "dating" or going out on dates with were too shallow if they couldn't see past the fact that I was overweight. Or, if they did in fact find me attractive I would and did find flaws, reasons to disappear, or reasons to chalk it up as though there was something wrong with them or I became "bored." All throughout this, however, I would lament to friends about how difficult it is to find someone. I would try to sounds as enlightened as possible and say, I understand if my pool is smaller because people are just not attracted to the fat girl, just as I"m not necessarily attracted to an obese man. It's just how it is. However, I did nothing to change it, because I didn't want to be loved. I didn't want to really be in a relationship, because being in a relationship could mean that I could be hurt. Also, when I did become attracted to someone, or interested in someone, I would become twitterpatted very quickly and then they may disappear and it would go through this cycle of disappointment. However, I never fully vested myself in all of these guys. Again, they got to see the spunky, confident, que cera cera person I put on the outside. Not the girl who obsessed with the scale, or her clothing, or her hair, or anything else before they would meet her. Not the 15 outfit changes and often me crumpled in a floor almost deciding not to even go out because it may not be worth it etc etc. I stopped dating, I stopped trying, and I stopped caring about me. I stopped dressing up for work, I stopped even attempting to take care of myself and once again my weight ballooned up to about 225 (I had gotten down to the low 200's). Once again, I told myself, oh, this is because of blah de blah de blah de blah. and I believed it. I believed my own bs and it was easier to tell myself that it wasn't even worth trying to date because I'm obese and if I don't care about myself then why the hell should someone else, also, the only guys I thought to myself, that I attracted, weren't guys I were necessarily attracted to. I really sound like a super confident person... don't I. LOL.
I don't know when exactly it changed, but it did. I decided to start going online again, and actually put up an array of pictures of me on dating sites. Not just the ones that made me look my best. I modified my profile, and I decided, to really, truly put myself out there "flaws" and all. The other huge change I made, is that every time I looked into the mirror, I was no longer allowed to agonize over my weight, or my face, or my suddenly appearing acne (yay for less hormonal birth control.... lol but happy I'm on less hormones). I was no longer allowed to pick myself apart and I was no longer allowed to look at myself or my body, with hate. This was a miraculously freeing experience. Don't get me wrong, I still am self conscious about certain things and want to "improve" but I"m no longer allowed to view myself as less than. I can no longer attack this body, the one that has carried me through every day and has been with me through everything. I am no longer allowed to look at any scar, or any of my very numerous stretch marks and think about how my body has "failed" me. If anything, I had been failing my body. I had been abusing it and abusing myself and I was stuck in a horrendously negative cycle of body shaming and self hatred and self loathing and it had been going on for years upon years.
I haven't had a healthy relationship with food for what seems like decades. I was a chubby kid but something was triggered, a control issue quite frankly, when I was an early teen. I realized that in my life at the time the only thing I could control was what went into my body. No one could "make" me eat, no one could control what I was eating, etc. At the time, I was chubby, it was often brought up about how I still had some baby fat, and so, at the time I started controlling everything I was eating, or not eating. Growing up, my parents were amazing in their own ways, super involved, even if that often meant they were also super strict. However, every day after school, there was a meal waiting for me. My parents often worked different hours and I had to be up so early during high school but my mom wanted me to have a good meal, so she would set it up in this wonderful purple tupperware with a green lid that was segmented. A space for the main portion, and the sides. How she managed to do this every morning, I will never know, other than realize it was done out of nothing but love for me, often some of my favorite meals, and it was done, daily, without fail. However, I was not healthy, I was often not eating any of it or very very little of it, and would have to make the rest disappear, whether by way of dog, disposal, or hidden under other parts of the trash. If I did happen to binge on it every so often, it was often forced to vacate my body shortly thereafter by my own hand.
After awhile of doing this, it was very noticeable that I was losing weight. However, since I started as that chubby kid with a fair amount of baby fat left on her, it was viewed as I was just growing up. It was swept under the rug lest someone outside of our immediate family began to talk. I don't know if it was realized what was going on or if legitimately it was just thought that I was losing weight because I was growing up. I went from around 145 lbs to about 115 lbs within about 6 months. This was between 10th and 11th grade years. At the same time, I started working for a gym. I went from just eating less to also starting to lift, heavily. I started working out 6 days a week for about 3 hours a day, often just doing weight lifting. I started eating a very drastic diet and was obsessing over everything. Additionally, I was taking about 16 advils/ibprofins a day. I would take 4 when I woke up, four several hours later, four before my workout and 4 before I went to bed. This was for no other reason than to allow me to train harder and longer because I needed to make sure I wouldn't gain any weight at all. I gained some weight but my body fat continued to drop, at it's lowest it was at about 15-18%. I would obsessively weigh/measure myself and I continued to not be healthy. I had started to eat a little bit more but that was because I also knew that I needed to if I wanted to be able to work out at that level. I became exercise anorexic. This continued until I went away to college. All the while getting great compliments for others and I also tried to break myself of the cycle somewhat so I got to a place where I weighed around 130 or so when I went away to college.....
B has never put up with my BS and that's one of the reasons I absolutely adore her. She has always been there, whether it was for telling me what I don't want to hear, don't want to do, don't want to admit, or just being there to let me cry on her shoulder. However, she also knows when to tell me to cut that shit out "If you ever cry in my car over that boy again, it's grounds for a divorce." LOL. You got it dude, I definitely can't go through a divorce of our friendship. She is on the ride with me this time with the working out and as I told her the other day, she is definitely the one person who could call me, and say, hey, I'm super far ahead of you on these steps, what's going on step it up! Realizing that I have that in my life has become more and more important to me as of late and even though it's dripping with the nougat she hates, lol, it's also made me realize how and with whom I surround myself. More about all of that later.
This, really, is my realization of everything coming together and finally "getting" it. I have touched on topics before, but I also am realizing that I need this sense of accountability, even if it is just for myself and no one ever reads this, this is my sense of accountability.
I hated myself. I hated what I had become, I hated what was happening around me, and I hated that I let myself get so hurt by someone else. I put on this air of happiness and self confidence, when in reality, I loathed myself. I successfully did everything I could to abuse my body. From smoking, to drinking far too heavily, to indiscriminate sex, to overeating and under exercising, all of it was literally abusing my own body. I became my own worst enemy. I also let no one in to this. B was maybe the only person who really realized what was going on and she would often broach certain subjects lightly but she never pushed on any of them. She would offer encouragement or occasional disapproving glances but I would brush them off or quickly change the subject or do everything I could to avoid the too difficult discussions. She would often call me out on this change of subject but would never push too hard. I am sure she has realized what was going on far far longer than I ever did, and maybe she did what was absolutely best for me, make it known that she was there, even when thousands of miles away, make it known that she saw what I was doing to myself, but also allow me the time to figure out what I needed to figure out, so it wasn't "forced" on me.All the while trying to help build me back up by example.
I kept myself fat on purpose. If I was obese, which I currently am, it would mean that no one would love me, and that if no one loved me I couldn't be hurt again. Of course, I this was all subconsciously and I could then also tell myself that these guys I was "dating" or going out on dates with were too shallow if they couldn't see past the fact that I was overweight. Or, if they did in fact find me attractive I would and did find flaws, reasons to disappear, or reasons to chalk it up as though there was something wrong with them or I became "bored." All throughout this, however, I would lament to friends about how difficult it is to find someone. I would try to sounds as enlightened as possible and say, I understand if my pool is smaller because people are just not attracted to the fat girl, just as I"m not necessarily attracted to an obese man. It's just how it is. However, I did nothing to change it, because I didn't want to be loved. I didn't want to really be in a relationship, because being in a relationship could mean that I could be hurt. Also, when I did become attracted to someone, or interested in someone, I would become twitterpatted very quickly and then they may disappear and it would go through this cycle of disappointment. However, I never fully vested myself in all of these guys. Again, they got to see the spunky, confident, que cera cera person I put on the outside. Not the girl who obsessed with the scale, or her clothing, or her hair, or anything else before they would meet her. Not the 15 outfit changes and often me crumpled in a floor almost deciding not to even go out because it may not be worth it etc etc. I stopped dating, I stopped trying, and I stopped caring about me. I stopped dressing up for work, I stopped even attempting to take care of myself and once again my weight ballooned up to about 225 (I had gotten down to the low 200's). Once again, I told myself, oh, this is because of blah de blah de blah de blah. and I believed it. I believed my own bs and it was easier to tell myself that it wasn't even worth trying to date because I'm obese and if I don't care about myself then why the hell should someone else, also, the only guys I thought to myself, that I attracted, weren't guys I were necessarily attracted to. I really sound like a super confident person... don't I. LOL.
I don't know when exactly it changed, but it did. I decided to start going online again, and actually put up an array of pictures of me on dating sites. Not just the ones that made me look my best. I modified my profile, and I decided, to really, truly put myself out there "flaws" and all. The other huge change I made, is that every time I looked into the mirror, I was no longer allowed to agonize over my weight, or my face, or my suddenly appearing acne (yay for less hormonal birth control.... lol but happy I'm on less hormones). I was no longer allowed to pick myself apart and I was no longer allowed to look at myself or my body, with hate. This was a miraculously freeing experience. Don't get me wrong, I still am self conscious about certain things and want to "improve" but I"m no longer allowed to view myself as less than. I can no longer attack this body, the one that has carried me through every day and has been with me through everything. I am no longer allowed to look at any scar, or any of my very numerous stretch marks and think about how my body has "failed" me. If anything, I had been failing my body. I had been abusing it and abusing myself and I was stuck in a horrendously negative cycle of body shaming and self hatred and self loathing and it had been going on for years upon years.
I haven't had a healthy relationship with food for what seems like decades. I was a chubby kid but something was triggered, a control issue quite frankly, when I was an early teen. I realized that in my life at the time the only thing I could control was what went into my body. No one could "make" me eat, no one could control what I was eating, etc. At the time, I was chubby, it was often brought up about how I still had some baby fat, and so, at the time I started controlling everything I was eating, or not eating. Growing up, my parents were amazing in their own ways, super involved, even if that often meant they were also super strict. However, every day after school, there was a meal waiting for me. My parents often worked different hours and I had to be up so early during high school but my mom wanted me to have a good meal, so she would set it up in this wonderful purple tupperware with a green lid that was segmented. A space for the main portion, and the sides. How she managed to do this every morning, I will never know, other than realize it was done out of nothing but love for me, often some of my favorite meals, and it was done, daily, without fail. However, I was not healthy, I was often not eating any of it or very very little of it, and would have to make the rest disappear, whether by way of dog, disposal, or hidden under other parts of the trash. If I did happen to binge on it every so often, it was often forced to vacate my body shortly thereafter by my own hand.
After awhile of doing this, it was very noticeable that I was losing weight. However, since I started as that chubby kid with a fair amount of baby fat left on her, it was viewed as I was just growing up. It was swept under the rug lest someone outside of our immediate family began to talk. I don't know if it was realized what was going on or if legitimately it was just thought that I was losing weight because I was growing up. I went from around 145 lbs to about 115 lbs within about 6 months. This was between 10th and 11th grade years. At the same time, I started working for a gym. I went from just eating less to also starting to lift, heavily. I started working out 6 days a week for about 3 hours a day, often just doing weight lifting. I started eating a very drastic diet and was obsessing over everything. Additionally, I was taking about 16 advils/ibprofins a day. I would take 4 when I woke up, four several hours later, four before my workout and 4 before I went to bed. This was for no other reason than to allow me to train harder and longer because I needed to make sure I wouldn't gain any weight at all. I gained some weight but my body fat continued to drop, at it's lowest it was at about 15-18%. I would obsessively weigh/measure myself and I continued to not be healthy. I had started to eat a little bit more but that was because I also knew that I needed to if I wanted to be able to work out at that level. I became exercise anorexic. This continued until I went away to college. All the while getting great compliments for others and I also tried to break myself of the cycle somewhat so I got to a place where I weighed around 130 or so when I went away to college.....
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