I have always admired B and her relatively laisez faire attitude about dating, kind of. It's probably just a very healthy view of dating. She has a very high opinion of herself and should. She also was my inspiration in regards to changing how I felt about myself. In 2010 she tells me that she is in desperate need of a vacation and that we should go to the caymans. I am mortified at the idea, quite frankly, at first. I am terrified about the idea of buying or wearing a bathing suit, it had literally been years. I was ashamed of how I looked, but, like the good little starfish, I complied. I start by trying to find a cute one piece, even though we were going to be there for multiple days, I thought that if I could even just find one bathing suit I would be happy. She brought up the idea of wearing a bikini and I thought she was officially certifiable. Then she said something to me that still resonates to this day. "You don't know these people from a can of paint, why they hell do you care about what they think about you wearing a bikini? You're there to have fun, these people don't matter and their opinion of you in whatever you're wearing really really shouldn't matter. You're never going to see these people again in your life!" In a weird way, it really was an epiphany. I was so worried about what others would think that I was literally preventing myself from doing things that sounded awesome and that I wanted to do. There have been many moments in our friendship like this. Things said that just make so much sense that it's ridiculous but they are also some of the most empowering things I've heard (much more so than those mantra posters! lol). She has been there for me through interview outfits and vacation adventures, boy troubles and everything else in between. She has also been the cause of many a times laughing so hard that I think I'm going to die (thanks to some mango key lime cheesecake and eating far too much that we were going to have food baby twins) to calling me out on some of my more flagrant bullshit.
More recently I have really taken to heart her views on dating. That is, it is a privilege to date me. It is a privilege that I am making time in my life for you, so use it wisely. Just as I should view others in the same manner, but it really is a balance. No one is doing me a "favor" by dating me, I mean, hell I don't do that so I cant keep thinking that others are doing that with me. I had to stop thinking that others were doing me some huge favor by being seen with me. I also had to stop thinking that I wasn't worth it and that there was something inherently wrong with me.
For years, I have been trying to lose weight for vanity. If I'm thinner this person may like me better, if I'm thinner I will be more confident in dating, if I'm thinner I will be happier. Everything, everywhere, says that that isn't true. I wasn't going to be happy, and honestly, I probably wasn't going to lose any significant weight until the person that I was putting out to the world (the one with all the confidence) was actually backed up by real confidence and self love. That, within the last 4 months, has really been my epiphany. I'm not trying to lose weight anymore so that I an feel better about myself. As women we are often trained and taught to be demure and humble, and be quiet about our accomplishments or our loves for ourselves. If we love ourselves or make it known that we love ourselves then we are vain or cocky or not soft and feminine enough. I finally learned how to take a page out of B's book in regards to this. I am a pretty damn awesome person. I help those around me, I help take care of others, I do volunteer work, I am present, and I am beautiful. I'm a pretty awesome package. I do not have to subscribe to the belief that only those who fit a certain ideal deserve to love themselves and find themselves beautiful. This shift has resulted in some pretty interesting results. 1) I'm actually attracting the types of guys who I have always been attracted to, they are not seeking me out despite my weight they are seeking me out for me and 2) I no longer want to lose weight for vanity. Yes, there's some of that still in there, but I now want to change my life to give my body what it deserves, a healthy lifestyle. I'm not losing weight or stopping smoking or cutting back significantly on drinking because it's what I'm "supposed to do" to show that I'm doing everything to avoid being this obese blight but rather I'm doing it because I want to eventually have healthy children, I want to go on more outdoor adventures, I want to give my body it's best shot at enjoying everything I can squeeze out of life.
I do need to keep tracking my food and my workouts and my fitbit has been fantastic with this but this time I'm doing all of this, genuinely, for me and because I want to be healthy and I want to give my body what it deserves. The bonus in all of this is that when these changes happen I'm also going to be a much healthier person in all aspects, mentally, emotionally, and physically. The smaller dress size is really a bonus!
K
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